Wednesday, August 10, 2011

THE TUNNEL OF LOVE (The Dark ride, Fun In The Dark)

I like this ride. No, I love this ride and I'll tell you why: Sex. I'd like to say how fab. this ride is--the sudden twists and turns, the ghosts and monsters that light up. Creatures that threaten, scenes of gruesome activities that seem to be happening as you pass. You can even eat the 3 boxes of Milk Duds hidden in your jacket in one sitting...but  as much as I love this ride, I'll never ride it again.

My twins, my 12 year old and I are outside the Fun House. The kids jabber. "Let's go in. Let's go in!" I roll my eyes. I just wasn't in the mood to take two 5 year-old, very active (Okay, wild.) kids.
Wild you may ask?
Okay, here's an example:
They were two years old. 
My house was child proof. I mean everything. Drawers, cabinets, outlet blocks. My twins were playing quietly in the den. I ran upstairs to retrieve a book. I was upstairs maybe 8 seconds, max. When I returned to the den, they were gone.
"Brian. Nick," I call.
No answer.
I search downstairs. They were no where to be seen. I hurried upstairs. Not there either. I checked the cabinets (I couldn't open those damn child proof locks.) Had they gone outside? It wasn't possible. All doors had sliding locks on the top corner. I ran downstairs to check the locks on the doors. Everything was still locked. Borderline panic looms above me. I grabbed my keys, opened the lock on the door leading into the garage.

What I saw when I entered the garage...a chair had been slid over to Daddy's workbench. One of the twins was standing by the chair wearing a pair of safety glasses, a plastic wrench from his toddler tool box in his hand. cute, you may say.
The other was on daddy's workbench--plug in one hand, daddy's drill in the other.
They had taken the kitchen broom, slid the child proof  with the handle. Once in the garage, they used the broom to slide it back to a child-proof locked position and let it drop to the floor. I had it figured out. Damn child proof locks only keep adults out of things. Kids have no problem figuring these things out.
My parents came to visit from the mid-west. I thought I'd impress them with how brilliant their little grandchildren were. I scooped one of the twins up into my arms. Once he settled, I called my parents over.
"Check this out," I say proudly. "Show Papa your happy smile."
Nick smiles.
My parents are thrilled, discussing the fact that even though the twins were only half Jewish, the brains came from mom. Mechanical smarts, from his Dad (not a Jew) which reminds me of a funny joke.
Q. How do you get a Jewish girl to stop fucking?
A. Marry her.
I can tell this  'joke' because I'm Jewish.
But I digress.
"Show Papa your sad face."
Oh how cute. Isn't he cute? We all nod in agreement.
Show Papa your happy cute. Every coos at the twins
"Show Papa your angry face." Nick tightens his hand into a fist. makes an angry face and yells, "You Fuck!"

Needless to say, I didn't want to climb in a boat with these 12 year-old, Justin, steps up to the plate. "I'll take 'em mom."
I help everyone into the boat and off they go.

"Too bad,"
"Huh?" I turn and see a beautiful Latino man behind me. Mocha skin, dark eyes, hair tied back in a low pony tail.
"Too bad--you're missing a great ride." I love that Spanish accent. Love it. Love it. Love it.
"I didn't want to go with my boys," I replied. I just stood there, staring. As I've stated before, the only men that have the nerve to approach me are Carnies and crack smokers. He was neither.
"Want to?" I may have said yes. I think I said yes.
He grabs my hand and leads me to a boat.
The tunnel doors close behind us. Somewhere ahead, I hear my boys pleading to their brother, "Why can't I? The water's not deep."
X 's leg lightly rubs against mine. Yum.
"This is fun, " I say, lightly touching his arm. "Thanks."
"Yes. It is," he whispers in my ear.
We've made a rough turn and are in a completely black part of the tunnel. We start kissing. Deep, soft, wet kisses. On my neck. His face. My shoulder. His hand.
It's good. We can't wait any longer--unfortunately this ride is not twenty minutes--which is the minimum amount of time that I  usually need. I don't care.
He's rubbing his hands all over me. Under my tank top. Under my bra, up my dress...
And I'm all over him.
My nails dig into his back as he starts to sneak one finger--
I'm spinning on the tip of a needle.  Feels good. Feels so good.
I reach into his shorts and mumble "Oh,my god you are so--"
His mouth meets mine. I feel engulfed in a thick billowy cloud. And the pleasure. Oh the please he's giving me."
"No!" I hearJustin's voice ahead. A splash. "Oh Fuck! Get back in the boat."
I don't want X to stop. Even with the splash. Even with the "Get back in the boat."
I'm on the edge. La petite mort is seconds away. This may be a world record. He's moving his fingers. I'm moving my hand.
"Get Back In The Fucking Boat."
I'm ready to pop. And as my body tightens, as sparks begin ricochet inside of me," To I stop and yell at them, or do I let this much wanted orgasm, I make a quick decision
I scream out in ecstasy, "Get in. Get in Get in the fucking boat."
I open my eyes as we crash through the tunnel doors to the bright light.
I wipe my hand on my dress. He's smelling his fingers.
"Mom, Nick climbed out of their boat, " Justin yells.
"No, it was Brian," Nick yells.
"Justin pushed me."
"I did not," Justin shoots back.
"All three of you are soaking wet. We're leaving. Now!"
One of those fights is about to erupt.
"You're soaking wet, too," X whispers."Will you visit me here tonight? I get off at eleven."
"What do you mean?"
"I run the Merry-go-round."
And there it was. He was a carnie. No wonder he came on to me.
But he has his teeth. A carnie with teeth? This is a once-in-a-life-time discovery.
"I stop by if I can get away."  I knew I wouldn't.
Some rides are the best if you only ride them once.


J.C. Martin said...

Hi Robbi, thanks for leaving a message on my blog. Tried emailing you but my message bounced back twice. Perhaps if you tried emailing me first? My add is jc AT jc-martin DOT com.

W.G. Cambron said...

I loved this! The line about how child proof locks are for adults, very true. I can't even open child proof locks on tyenal without my little nephews help, lol.
The carnie line was even funnier. You are a great writer, and this is a great showcase of your talent.

-b9 said...

Grrr. Look up, dear, and see your life has meaning away from this whorizontal world. Lemme x-plane...

Q: Can anyone tell me the difference between K2 and IQ? A: Nthn. In Seventh-Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HawrHawr Neeeed summore thots, ideers, raw wurdz or ironclad iconoclasms? Yay! Voila!

VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI: As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go through in this lifelong demise, I just wanna help U.S. git past the whorizontal more!ass! we're in (Latin: words to [the] wise)...

"This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence" (paraphrased). Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs when my beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly-girl passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires.

"Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3

Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

Go git'm, girl. You're incredible. See you Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoon, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redding Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, -blessed b9...

God blessa youse
-Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL