I like this ride. No, I love this ride and I'll tell you why: Sex. I'd like to say how fab. this ride is--the sudden twists and turns, the ghosts and monsters that light up. Creatures that threaten, scenes of gruesome activities that seem to be happening as you pass. You can even eat the 3 boxes of Milk Duds hidden in your jacket in one sitting...but as much as I love this ride, I'll never ride it again.
My twins, my 12 year old and I are outside the Fun House. The kids jabber. "Let's go in. Let's go in!" I roll my eyes. I just wasn't in the mood to take two 5 year-old, very active (Okay, wild.) kids.
Wild you may ask?
Okay, here's an example:
My house was child proof. I mean everything. Drawers, cabinets, outlet blocks. My twins were playing quietly in the den. I ran upstairs to retrieve a book. I was upstairs maybe 8 seconds, max. When I returned to the den, they were gone.
They were two years old.
"Brian. Nick," I call.
I search downstairs. They were no where to be seen. I hurried upstairs. Not there either. I checked the cabinets (I couldn't open those damn child proof locks.) Had they gone outside? It wasn't possible. All doors had sliding locks on the top corner. I ran downstairs to check the locks on the doors. Everything was still locked. Borderline panic looms above me. I grabbed my keys, opened the lock on the door leading into the garage.
What I saw when I entered the garage...a chair had been slid over to Daddy's workbench. One of the twins was standing by the chair wearing a pair of safety glasses, a plastic wrench from his toddler tool box in his hand.
Aw...how cute, you may say.
The other was on daddy's workbench--plug in one hand, daddy's drill in the other.
They had taken the kitchen broom, slid the child proof with the handle. Once in the garage, they used the broom to slide it back to a child-proof locked position and let it drop to the floor. I had it figured out. Damn child proof locks only keep adults out of things. Kids have no problem figuring these things out.
My parents came to visit from the mid-west. I thought I'd impress them with how brilliant their little grandchildren were. I scooped one of the twins up into my arms. Once he settled, I called my parents over.
"Check this out," I say proudly. "Show Papa your happy smile."
My parents are thrilled, discussing the fact that even though the twins were only half Jewish, the brains came from mom. Mechanical smarts, from his Dad (not a Jew) which reminds me of a funny joke.
Q. How do you get a Jewish girl to stop fucking?
A. Marry her.
I can tell this 'joke' because I'm Jewish.
But I digress.
"Show Papa your sad face."
Oh how cute. Isn't he cute? We all nod in agreement.
Show Papa your happy cute. Every coos at the twins
"Show Papa your angry face." Nick tightens his hand into a fist. makes an angry face and yells, "You Fuck!"
Needless to say, I didn't want to climb in a boat with these guys...my 12 year-old, Justin, steps up to the plate. "I'll take 'em mom."
I help everyone into the boat and off they go.
"Huh?" I turn and see a beautiful Latino man behind me. Mocha skin, dark eyes, hair tied back in a low pony tail.
"Too bad--you're missing a great ride." I love that Spanish accent. Love it. Love it. Love it.
"I didn't want to go with my boys," I replied. I just stood there, staring. As I've stated before, the only men that have the nerve to approach me are Carnies and crack smokers. He was neither.
"Want to?" I may have said yes. I think I said yes.
He grabs my hand and leads me to a boat.
The tunnel doors close behind us. Somewhere ahead, I hear my boys pleading to their brother, "Why can't I? The water's not deep."
X 's leg lightly rubs against mine. Yum.
"This is fun, " I say, lightly touching his arm. "Thanks."
"Yes. It is," he whispers in my ear.
We've made a rough turn and are in a completely black part of the tunnel. We start kissing. Deep, soft, wet kisses. On my neck. His face. My shoulder. His hand.
It's good. We can't wait any longer--unfortunately this ride is not twenty minutes--which is the minimum amount of time that I usually need. I don't care.
He's rubbing his hands all over me. Under my tank top. Under my bra, up my dress...
And I'm all over him.
My nails dig into his back as he starts to sneak one finger--
I'm spinning on the tip of a needle. Feels good. Feels so good.
I reach into his shorts and mumble "Oh,my god you are so--"
His mouth meets mine. I feel engulfed in a thick billowy cloud. And the pleasure. Oh the please he's giving me."
"No!" I hearJustin's voice ahead. A splash. "Oh Fuck! Get back in the boat."
I don't want X to stop. Even with the splash. Even with the "Get back in the boat."
I'm on the edge. La petite mort is seconds away. This may be a world record. He's moving his fingers. I'm moving my hand.
"Get Back In The Fucking Boat."
I'm ready to pop. And as my body tightens, as sparks begin ricochet inside of me," To I stop and yell at them, or do I let this much wanted orgasm, I make a quick decision
I scream out in ecstasy, "Get in. Get in Get in the fucking boat."
I open my eyes as we crash through the tunnel doors to the bright light.
I wipe my hand on my dress. He's smelling his fingers.
"Mom, Nick climbed out of their boat, " Justin yells.
"No, it was Brian," Nick yells.
"Justin pushed me."
"I did not," Justin shoots back.
"All three of you are soaking wet. We're leaving. Now!"
One of those fights is about to erupt.
"You're soaking wet, too," X whispers."Will you visit me here tonight? I get off at eleven."
"What do you mean?"
"I run the Merry-go-round."
And there it was. He was a carnie. No wonder he came on to me.
But he has his teeth. A carnie with teeth? This is a once-in-a-life-time discovery.
"I stop by if I can get away." I knew I wouldn't.
Some rides are the best if you only ride them once.